There I was smack bang between love and disappointment. Some girls stick around for the show but I am out of there the moment it looks like it’s got fur. I am gone before one can tell me
if it’s a rug or a rat! It gives me such a strong sense of power over the situation and the brut. But here I stand wanting to do what I have learnt to do so well yet my feet are stuck. In this moment I know I can run but I know if I run I will run into him and hurt too many people. I could learn a lesson through this to pass onto others but learning just seemed to be overrated at this point.
Learning just seemed to be overrated at this point
You see matey, its always been easy in the past. When your game plan is walking then you strategically position yourself to walk at the starting blocks. You make sure you never date anyone you might see again if and WHEN you need to walk. You don’t fancy bumping into them after the fact so they have to be from another place and space. For me they had to be a non-believer and non-black. This way we shared little so there would be very little loss.
So, now I’m BUSTED, and I want to walk, or boy do I want to walk. Everything about this situation I find myself in is saying “Girrrllll its time to do your thang” but I can’t maybe I won’t, maybe this time the stakes maybe too high. I didn’t see it coming reader. I was minding my own business when this crazy notion to give him a chance crossed my mind. Breaking every single one of my unwritten rules. He seemed different from the rest possibly worth it. I was done making the same sensible choices and getting the same miserable results so it was time for something new, possibly wild. I had observed him for quite sometime and something told me I would be safe. Emotional safety is my number one priority when dating.
Dear reader we fell in love on our first date. We were kin. We were same. How rare! Euphoria no dear reader UTOPIA! My God could this be it!?
My God, could this be it!?
Yet, here I stand between the walls of silence, uncertainty and in the furnace of conflict realising that even as kin spirits I may have been wrong about his character. Was I stuck here because of the tiny hit of joy and happiness I had felt that night sipping on drinks and watching his body try to hide his deep attraction to me as a person not just an image.
How did I find myself here dear reader, feeling like he is a stranger to me at the same time aware of our sameness, here at these crossroads? Clear its over and ready to do the do at the drop of a hat but waiting. Waiting to be wrong. For once in my life I wanted to be wrong about the outcome here. I’m hardly ever wrong but I almost NEED to be. The fire had died out but there remained a flame. Perhaps it was worth fanning to flame but walking just seemed easier. Its not as if he was chasing me or asking me to stay. To the contrary he was keeping military distance. So, how could I walk whilst breathing the same air as him? The fake smiles and pretend life was just too much to handle but my feet were stuck.
Then I heard singer Travis Greene’s lyrics to the song playing in my head “You made a way, when my back was against wall and it looked as if it was it was over you Made a way”. I realized that I was in the wilderness (an unfamiliar place and scenario) and it was an invitation to look UP. When the answers are not coming from within or without it’s an opportunity to be more than I have ever been. You see beloved everything God does is to brings us to full maturity not to destroy us. Maturity is understanding that things get messy but never so messy that God can’t fix it or indeed turn it into a message. Maturity is really knowing and trusting God to have a third option that you may not have considered. Sometimes the answer is not staying or going, it is GROWING.